Saturday, June 25, 2011

First Post

I have been following a number of bloggers who are in similar situations as me.  So many women want children and struggle to have them.  They say misery loves company - I have certainly gone through a lot of misery the last few years and I've found comfort and support from others who are struggling too.  I'm sorry you're here - but since we are facing the same problems, it's nice to have support.

My story: I met Hubby in 2007 and we married in 2008.  We both knew we wanted kids and started trying right away.  I thought getting pregnant was the hard part so went to see RE #1 pretty quickly.  We did an IUI and I got pregnant - only to lose her at 9 1/2 weeks.  We bounced back a little bit and did another IUI 2 months after the miscarriage - it was so eerily similar to the first experience.  Another girl, another lost heartbeat at 9 1/2 weeks. 

Hubby and I thought we could outsmart nature and decided to do PGD/CCS (there are a number of terms).  The process we did was egg retrieval, biopsy blasts, freeze them, get the biopsy results and then do FET's.  We did a transfer without success; we cried, got drunk, cried some more and then picked ourselves off the ground pretty quickly.  We went in for another transfer of a single chromosomally normal embryo - and a nightmare I could not have dreamed of started.  I finally had a D&C at 11 1/2 weeks and I will spare you (and me re-living) all the gory details in between.  Suffice to say - I was broken.  Utterly and completely broken.

Fast forward a few months to now.  I just turned 41... We decided to do a fresh IVF cycle in July.  I'm going to be cycling out of town but the logistics of it seem to be falling into place really easily (which makes me nervous that it's going smoothly because clearly something has to go wrong and if it's not our jobs or a place to stay, then of course I think that fate has other evil plans in store for us...).  I have a little bit of hope and optimism - which has eluded me for a long time.  But overwhelmingly, I have fear and anxiety.

I read something the other day that I try to remember everyday:

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not;
But remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.

For me, I am trying not to ruin my marriage my wonderful Hubby while on my quest for our child(ren).  But I want them so bad and it's so hard....

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