Monday, June 27, 2011

Fate & Control

We are going to cycle at Cornell in New York in July.  It was a big decision from a variety of perspectives. 

After painful losses and enduring multiple rounds of the rollercoaster of injectible hormones, I had to figure out if I was resilient enough to go through another cycle with the physical side effects and potential for yet another heartbreak.  Hubby is so wonderful and supportive - I can't express how grateful I am to have him.  He was patient as I tried to work through this.  He supported whatever decision I made - yet gave me his opinions and perspectives to help me come to the right decision.  We decided that we could do it again - together.

Then we had to decide where we would cycle.  Stay in Chicago?  Which clinic? Go back to Cornell?  Try Colorado?  Long story - but we decided Cornell in NY was best for us.

But we recognized that cycling out of town presents so many logistical challenges.  And I cannot believe how easily all of that is falling into place.  One of my best friends from high school lives in Brooklyn.  She has 3 kids under three years old so staying there would have been too stressful.  But as luck would have it, her next-door neighbors moved 2 weeks ago, left furniture (and cable tv, internet, utilities, etc.) at their house and *offered to let us stay there*!!  So I'll be next door to Awesome Friend but we'll still have our privacy (and peace and quiet).  They just completely renovated their house so I don't want to take Puppy (as hard as that is for me).  She is really well-behaved but I'm concerned that her nails would scratch their brand new hardwood floors.  So having a cheap, nice, quiet, convenient place to stay next door to Awesome Friend won out over bringing Puppy with.

That's where more good luck comes in.  My niece sublet her apartment and has been traveling.  She just got a new job but her tenant is still in her apartment.  So she needs a place to stay, loves Puppy - and voila!  She's going to house sit for us. 

And of course there are both of our jobs - another long story but we are both able to work from "home" (NY) because both our bosses are so great and understanding (and we both shared our struggles with them).

The last piece of the puzzle fell into place this morning.  I detected my surge so in 10 days, I will start my estrogen patches.

Back to Fate & Control.  After all my losses, I am thinking that this is the calm before the storm.  Then I try to salvage some optimism and think that this is a good omen that will continue.  But reality comes in and I realize - I don't have any control over the outcome of this cycle.  I am grateful that the logistical planning has worked out so well.  The success of the cycle is not dependent on this at all - so it could go well or it could go badly.  I might not get pregnant.  I might get pregnant only to miscarry again.  I might get pregnant and the baby could have special needs.  Or our luck could turn and we could end up with a perfectly healthy baby next spring.  Who knows - and I acknowledge that I have no control over it.  I will do my best and will follow doctor's orders.  And I will just have to wait and see how things play out.  As hard as that is for a control freak like me....


  1. Wow, that's amazing how all the logistics are working out! I'm going to go ahead and take that as a good sign for your upcoming cycle :). So sorry for your losses and hope this one is THE one! Also, love that quote in your last post!

  2. thank you for sharing your story. i am 38 and have also been struggling for over 3 years, which *also* inspired me to start a blog about it as well. i look forward to following your story~
    good luck to us both ;)

  3. Welcome to the blogosphere, Little Bird! Hope it provides some release, and some support from these wonderful co-bloggies. Sucks to be here, but sucks much less when not alone.

  4. So nice when the stuggle has some smooth parts. Best of luck in the new cycle. I'll be reading.