Monday, August 8, 2011

Pity Party

I am feeling LOW, LOW, LOW......

I really really struggle with progesterone.  I don't think anyone likes it - but I have a history of depression with it.  When I first started taking it, I had really bad dreams that were like Nightmare on Elm Street.  Really gory, lots of death (even before I had a loss).  I would literally lay on the floor and cry for hours.

It's not nearly that bad anymore but...

Add to it:
  • Tomorrow is my beta.
  • Today is my latest due date.  (Little Guy was our third loss in January.)
  • I have gained 30 pounds in just under 3 years.
I feel really alone and am super super sensitive.   I'm upset when Puppy doesn't want to cuddle with me.  I have major road rage and think I should get a bumper sticker to warn people that I am a CRAZY HORMONAL BITCH!!!  I can't focus at work and things are piling up right and left.

I can't help it but I have a really bad feeling about this cycle.  And I know that it doesn't matter if I think it worked or not; I have absolutely no control over the outcome.  I'm just so tired. And sad.  And lonely.

And I miss the Little Guy that I never got to meet.  And the two Little Girls that we lost before him.