Monday, August 8, 2011

Pity Party

I am feeling LOW, LOW, LOW......

I really really struggle with progesterone.  I don't think anyone likes it - but I have a history of depression with it.  When I first started taking it, I had really bad dreams that were like Nightmare on Elm Street.  Really gory, lots of death (even before I had a loss).  I would literally lay on the floor and cry for hours.

It's not nearly that bad anymore but...

Add to it:
  • Tomorrow is my beta.
  • Today is my latest due date.  (Little Guy was our third loss in January.)
  • I have gained 30 pounds in just under 3 years.
I feel really alone and am super super sensitive.   I'm upset when Puppy doesn't want to cuddle with me.  I have major road rage and think I should get a bumper sticker to warn people that I am a CRAZY HORMONAL BITCH!!!  I can't focus at work and things are piling up right and left.

I can't help it but I have a really bad feeling about this cycle.  And I know that it doesn't matter if I think it worked or not; I have absolutely no control over the outcome.  I'm just so tired. And sad.  And lonely.

And I miss the Little Guy that I never got to meet.  And the two Little Girls that we lost before him.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Optimistic, Pessimistic or Realistic?

I'm just waiting for AF any day now and then will start my next round of IVF.  After all we have been through, it is no surprise that I am pessimistic about the outcome of this cycle.  Yeah yeah yeah - I might get pregnant, but when will I lose the baby?  That's what goes through my head.

I think that I am trying to remain pessimistic to guard myself for if something goes wrong - and the way my thinking goes lately it's more when something goes wrong rather than if.

But will the fall really hurt less if I am prepared?  Or think I'm prepared?  I don't think so.

I think it's time to take control of my thoughts and readjust them.  I could turn the dial a bit to a more realistic outcome - but if I'm going to change I'm going to go all the way.  I'm going to be optimistic.  I'm going to act as if this cycle is going to be the start of a healthy preganancy and a spring baby.  Each step - each shot, ultrasound, blood draw, STD culture - it is all leading towards a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.

If I fall, it will hurt just as bad so I'm going to try to enjoy the next few weeks!!

Monday, June 27, 2011

Fate & Control

We are going to cycle at Cornell in New York in July.  It was a big decision from a variety of perspectives. 

After painful losses and enduring multiple rounds of the rollercoaster of injectible hormones, I had to figure out if I was resilient enough to go through another cycle with the physical side effects and potential for yet another heartbreak.  Hubby is so wonderful and supportive - I can't express how grateful I am to have him.  He was patient as I tried to work through this.  He supported whatever decision I made - yet gave me his opinions and perspectives to help me come to the right decision.  We decided that we could do it again - together.

Then we had to decide where we would cycle.  Stay in Chicago?  Which clinic? Go back to Cornell?  Try Colorado?  Long story - but we decided Cornell in NY was best for us.

But we recognized that cycling out of town presents so many logistical challenges.  And I cannot believe how easily all of that is falling into place.  One of my best friends from high school lives in Brooklyn.  She has 3 kids under three years old so staying there would have been too stressful.  But as luck would have it, her next-door neighbors moved 2 weeks ago, left furniture (and cable tv, internet, utilities, etc.) at their house and *offered to let us stay there*!!  So I'll be next door to Awesome Friend but we'll still have our privacy (and peace and quiet).  They just completely renovated their house so I don't want to take Puppy (as hard as that is for me).  She is really well-behaved but I'm concerned that her nails would scratch their brand new hardwood floors.  So having a cheap, nice, quiet, convenient place to stay next door to Awesome Friend won out over bringing Puppy with.

That's where more good luck comes in.  My niece sublet her apartment and has been traveling.  She just got a new job but her tenant is still in her apartment.  So she needs a place to stay, loves Puppy - and voila!  She's going to house sit for us. 

And of course there are both of our jobs - another long story but we are both able to work from "home" (NY) because both our bosses are so great and understanding (and we both shared our struggles with them).

The last piece of the puzzle fell into place this morning.  I detected my surge so in 10 days, I will start my estrogen patches.

Back to Fate & Control.  After all my losses, I am thinking that this is the calm before the storm.  Then I try to salvage some optimism and think that this is a good omen that will continue.  But reality comes in and I realize - I don't have any control over the outcome of this cycle.  I am grateful that the logistical planning has worked out so well.  The success of the cycle is not dependent on this at all - so it could go well or it could go badly.  I might not get pregnant.  I might get pregnant only to miscarry again.  I might get pregnant and the baby could have special needs.  Or our luck could turn and we could end up with a perfectly healthy baby next spring.  Who knows - and I acknowledge that I have no control over it.  I will do my best and will follow doctor's orders.  And I will just have to wait and see how things play out.  As hard as that is for a control freak like me....

Saturday, June 25, 2011

First Post

I have been following a number of bloggers who are in similar situations as me.  So many women want children and struggle to have them.  They say misery loves company - I have certainly gone through a lot of misery the last few years and I've found comfort and support from others who are struggling too.  I'm sorry you're here - but since we are facing the same problems, it's nice to have support.

My story: I met Hubby in 2007 and we married in 2008.  We both knew we wanted kids and started trying right away.  I thought getting pregnant was the hard part so went to see RE #1 pretty quickly.  We did an IUI and I got pregnant - only to lose her at 9 1/2 weeks.  We bounced back a little bit and did another IUI 2 months after the miscarriage - it was so eerily similar to the first experience.  Another girl, another lost heartbeat at 9 1/2 weeks. 

Hubby and I thought we could outsmart nature and decided to do PGD/CCS (there are a number of terms).  The process we did was egg retrieval, biopsy blasts, freeze them, get the biopsy results and then do FET's.  We did a transfer without success; we cried, got drunk, cried some more and then picked ourselves off the ground pretty quickly.  We went in for another transfer of a single chromosomally normal embryo - and a nightmare I could not have dreamed of started.  I finally had a D&C at 11 1/2 weeks and I will spare you (and me re-living) all the gory details in between.  Suffice to say - I was broken.  Utterly and completely broken.

Fast forward a few months to now.  I just turned 41... We decided to do a fresh IVF cycle in July.  I'm going to be cycling out of town but the logistics of it seem to be falling into place really easily (which makes me nervous that it's going smoothly because clearly something has to go wrong and if it's not our jobs or a place to stay, then of course I think that fate has other evil plans in store for us...).  I have a little bit of hope and optimism - which has eluded me for a long time.  But overwhelmingly, I have fear and anxiety.

I read something the other day that I try to remember everyday:

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not;
But remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.

For me, I am trying not to ruin my marriage my wonderful Hubby while on my quest for our child(ren).  But I want them so bad and it's so hard....